And Here We Are, Broken

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This doesn't normally happen after a concert.

I picked up my home phone. I had no idea who this guy was, but he was pretty wound up.

Said his name was Rob, and he heard me singing with my band at an outdoor, on-campus gig a couple nights before. He heard us do a cover of a is vintage Crowded House tune, and loves Crowded House, so he opened his apartment window and listened. We were pretty good. He heard some songs about Jesus, too. And then he heard something he didn't like:

I was singing about gays and lesbians.

So he called the house that booked the show -- a place I'd lived when I was a student, called Koinonia House at the University of Illinois. He'd asked for my name and number, and they'd given it to him. (Thanks, fellas!) And he was kinda steamed. Rob had had it with Christians going off on homosexuals, because he was a church-going Christian...and so was his husband.

And yes -- Rob had me. I had been singing about gays and lesbians...and demogogues and thespians, for that matter. And evolutionists, creationists, perverts, slumlords, deadbeats, athletes, Protestants and Catholics, Philistines, homophobes...everybody, everywhere.

He understood the context -- but wasn't satisfied. He wanted me to know how wrong Christians were on homosexuality, and maybe we should meet in person to discuss it. It'd have to be in the next two days, because he was moving to take a job in D.C.

The next day, I'm driving to a bagel place to meet Rob.

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I asked God on the way: "PLEASE don't let me say something stupid. PLEASE don't let me be done with this conversation, and think 'I shoulda said' or 'Why did I say THAT?' PLEASE have mercy on me, and him. I don't know this guy, and I don't know what I'm doing."

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He wasn't hard to spot. He wore a t-shirt that said, "HATE -- It's Not a Family Value". He explained that some friends of his told him he should wear it, since he was meeting with some "conservative Christian guy". I actually thought that was kind of funny, and laughed about it.

I listened to him for about an hour and a half.

He'd grown up in the church. He couldn't remember ever being terribly attracted to girls. He'd attended all the youth events. He now went to fairly conservative church, but they knew he was gay, and people were fine with it. He told me about his wedding ring, and that he wore one because he and his husband, while not legally married, were just as committed as anyone else.

He loved his husband, he said, and how could God object to that? God IS love, you know. How could God have a problem with that? And how could Christians be so hateful? And how can someone say his relationship with his husband is "sin"?

I did a lot of apologizing, I remember that.

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I apologized for Christians, for those who genuinely hated him. I didn't doubt, for a moment, the pain he'd endured. I told him I didn't regard him as morally worse -- not a whit -- than I was. I told him I couldn't know what his relationship was really like, but I suspected much of it WAS good, that there were admirable aspects not only of his character, but of his lover, and of their relationship.

I told him no, I didn't think he'd chosen to be a homosexual. But -- humbly -- I didn't choose my brokenness, either. And yet here I am, broken.

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We talked about how some church-folk want to define people who are homosexual strictly by their sex lives, as though that were the whole of their being -- and how some people who are homosexual actually define themselves the same way. But, I asked, couldn't we share interests in movies, art, culture, food, sense of humor, and a million other things...? Surely, there are more aspects to a person, and bases for legitimate friendship, even in the midst of our mutual fallenness.

We talked about the nature of hate: Was it "hate" for someone to say what I'd just said, about brokenness, about disorder? Must one hate an alcoholic by recognizing, and lamenting, the alcoholism? Is it "hate" when I object to my own behavior? Is it "love" to applaud another's march to pain? And we talked about the "short of the mark" nature of the term "sin".

We talked about Jesus, and how yes, He'd had very strong words for people who thought they, themselves, were without sin.

We talked about God's image -- male and female -- and what sex, and family, may represent.

We talked about the fact that I'd eaten five giant bagels, toasted, just sitting there. He was alarmed and amused.

We talked...and talked...at the bagel-place for three-and-a-half hours. I liked him.

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I asked him if he thought I hated him. He said no, he didn't. He hadn't expected the conversation we'd had. He said he got the impression, actually, that I felt sorry for him. He said he understood that I was convinced that his homosexuality, ultimately, was not his plan, but was the result of brokenness, and that I was concerned for him. But no, I didn't hate him, that was apparent.

I told him I did feel sorry for him, I couldn't help it, and I kind of feel sorry for all of us.

We got ready to leave, realizing we'd talked a ridiculously long time, given our plastic-seated, bagel-themed environs. I told him -- and I believed and believe this -- I can always be wrong. Could he make the same statement?

He thought about it. I told him, "I think -- I don't know, but I think -- if we honestly asked God, cried out to God, begged Him, open-mindedly, to show us the right way, I think we'll wind up in agreement on this. It may be twenty years, but I honestly think he would honor our prayers."

I told him I'd earnestly ask. He agreed to do the same thing.

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One more thing, I said: "And if I'm wrong, about anything, I want to know. I honestly do. I'm convinced on this, but if I'm shown otherwise, I will change my thinking on this. I want you to know that."

He said that was cool. He appreciated it. Ultimately, God's the authority, and we have to submit to Him.

I asked him if he would do the same thing. I told him I knew -- it would be much, much harder for him. But IF he were completely convinced that this was not what God wanted for his sexuality, that it was actually hindering him from being who God wants him to be, if he were somehow convinced...

Would he change? Would he submit that aspect of his life to God?

He paused and said...no.

"Honestly? No. I know this doesn't sound good, but honestly...no. I wouldn't."

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We shook hands, and I told him I admired his honesty, but I think we were both kind of sad. And I told him I was glad he'd called me, and it would be cool to hang out again, but, he was moving to D.C. It's been several years, but I was thinking about him tonight.

posted by Brant Hansen at 7:05 PM on March 14th, 2010

33 Comments | Email this to a friend |

Hey,
This post was one that I could personally connect to. I'm a Christian and I have been for most of my life, but I'm also a lesbian and I would give almost ANYTHING to be straight. I was never attracted to boys when I was younger, and now I've gained attraction for other women and no matter what I try, I can't see anything in men. I don't tell many people about my homosexuality because I know that many of my Christian friends would believe I had made a choice and am living in sin. I am on "Side B": Gay Christians who veiw their homosexual thoughts as a temptation and strive to live like they're straight. I don't plan to ever have a girlfriend or female partner. I may be married later in life, and love my husband even if he is a man. I want to thank you for showing your acceptance of people like me. As no one knows what I struggle with, I am very lonely in my everyday life. Watching couples interact, both gay and straight, brings tears to my eyes as I wonder, "God, why can't I be like them instead of being alone?" Thanks for encouragement.
-RK

Posted By RK | March 15, 2010 @ 5:12

I'll never know what God truly thinks about this. It is something I have spent an enormous amount of time thinking about. Some very good friends of mine are gay, and we have talked about this issue several times. Still, after so much thought and prayer, I am left feeling that I will never know for certain.

The attitude and belief I have been led to is this: Love unconditionally. In this lifetime I will never know if the Biblical warnings against homosexuality mean it is absolutely wrong in all cir***stances. I will never know if, like eating a kosher diet, it was a rule that served a purpose but may now be obsolete. I will never know if, despite divine inspiration, this idea was added by the hand of a fallible man.

All I know is this: Jesus came to teach us, and to remind us to love unconditionally. I know I will continue to love and support my friends. I know they are good and wonderful people, with loving hearts. I know I will continue to share my love of God with them. I know that they accept me for who I am, and I know I will always return the favor. I know if they develop a heart for God, they will live in the way that God leads them to. I know that way could very well be to continue to live as who they were born to be. I know I will continue to support gay rights, no matter what God's actual thoughts on the matter may be.

God has given us free will. Our country, under God, has given us freedoms of speech, expression, religion, and many other freedoms that are hard to find in other areas of the world.

Our people should see that we have no right to deny a man to marry a man, or a woman to marry a woman. That would be putting restrictions on Love. On God. For God is Love.

Whatever else God may have intended in inspiring the words against homosexuality, I know in my heart it was not to provide an excuse to limit freedom, to limit love, or to endorse hate.

These are just my opinions. My interpretations of what God has shown me in my life. I felt moved to share them here.

Signed,
--A straight man who loves both his homosexual friend, and God, with all his heart.

Posted By Mike | March 15, 2010 @ 5:10

I had about a half dozen knee jerk reactions as I read through your post, but once I had gone through it in its entirety I must say that I've out the other side with more respect and, maybe a little strangely, a bit of pride in you. You stuck with the Biblical truth, while keeping your wits and emotions real but in check.

It is sad that this gentleman would refuse to repent if the Lord impressed that on his heart and mind. Hopefully he is more willing to listen to the Lord's prompting so that he can live a Christ centered and fulfilled life now that some years have passed.

Posted By Matt | March 15, 2010 @ 5:09

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Fascinating. No way am I going to agree with all the opinions that will be expressed, but I'd love to have a space where truth matters, and so does kindness, so this is cool.

RK -- Just wanted to particularly thank you SO much for your insight and honesty. It hurts to read, because I know the struggle must be so difficult. But if it helps to know that some radio guy has immense respect for you, please know that's the case.

Posted By Brant Hansen | March 14, 2010 @ 1:29

Brant, well spoken. You were a good and faithful servant of our Lord. I struggle so hard with how to share with people who struggle with their sexuality. Well done.

And RK, you rock. I am and will be praying for you to be freed of the temptations that you struggle with. You are doing the right thing, although the World would tell you otherwise. My husband was born an alchoholic, and he battles with that demon. That he was born with that doesn't give hime the right to give up the fight. God trusted you with this and He will give you all you need! You are so precious to Him!!!

Posted By Lisa | March 14, 2010 @ 2:35

Awesome post. I have always thought that people were not created homosexual. But was also convinced that some of them did not seem to choose homosexuality. But have never been able to sum it up quite as well as you just did. I read this and thought... I never thought of it that way before, but yes this is how I view it.
I also found it interesting that the gentlemen you were speaking about said he would not change his life/perspective even if God made it clear to him. If we are truly seeking God's Kingdom, even what is incredibly difficult becomes necessary. And God changes our desires to be His. So I am thinking if you truly love God and put Him first, then you would want to change your life or perspective... if that is what God revealed to you. Want what God wants.

Posted By sarah | March 15, 2010 @ 5:08

Awesome job communicating this in a tactful and loving manner my friend, difficult subject to unpack, especially when there are so many varying opinions.

Posted By Shawn B | March 14, 2010 @ 4:02

That was wonderful. It brought me to tears. Thank you.

Posted By Amie | March 14, 2010 @ 6:52

As christians, we need to look at the heart of the matter, not the label. We need to be open to God's direction. God will never go against himself or his Word. Never. Its not his nature or person to do so. And tolerance of the sinner while hating the sin is a must. Jesus said we are to love all people, but we are not their Holy Spirit. We can live by example, and by testimony we can give others the hope of Jesus. Is homosexuality wrong? Absolutley. Is the homosexual worse then me? Absolutley not. Only humanity levels sin....only humanity puts this sin as worse then that one. God says its all the same. Love the sinner and hate the sin. Because with out christ, we are all doomed to ****. But thank the Lord we were given that free gift of Christ's sacrafice. Be sensitive to the Lord, and He will show you the Truth. What He says in his Word, He says for our good. So is homosexuality wrong? Yes. Is it my place to judge the homosexual? No. Its my place to love them regardless of their life choices. Leave it up to God to convict them. When they stand before the Lord, it will be them who has to answer for if they chose to ignore God's gentle conviction. It will be my place to answer for my repsonse to them as people, as people created and loved by the most high God. And it will be my place to answer for my own choices and whether i chose to heed his conviction on the sin in my own life or not.

Posted By Elizabeth Jeanneret | March 15, 2010 @ 5:07

When we finally understand why some people are born with both male and female parts - then we can describe their sexuality as either a choice or genetic default. Until that day comes, we are called to be disciples of Christ. Jesus didn't neglect Mary Magdalene even though society had thrown her to the curb. He brought her in and loved her without judgment and agenda - all while the world condemned her to Hell. We do the same thing today to the homosexual community. We shun them from our churches and throw stones at them for their "wicked" ways. We say we love them while condemning their "sins" but all we are doing is putting up hardened barriers to those who need Christ in their lives. We go to Church with our significant other whom we share an unwed bed with - then look down upon the gay couple in the back row for living a sinful life. Are we really showing love? Are we really caring for those who are trying to find Jesus? Are we really any better then they are or do we just think our sins are not as great?

As we live in this world - we need to remember that almost everything we do is driven by our own intellect. We act as we "think" we should - but not as God calls us to do. We really are no better than the next man so let's accept this and start living for Jesus instead of living for right vs wrong. We know very little about what constitutes sin - so instead of judging and pushing people AWAY from Jesus - let's start accepting sin as sin and move forward towards relationships that are based upon the calling of Jesus in each individual heart.

Posted By Nate B. | March 15, 2010 @ 5:05

I've been a Christian for about 6 years. In high school one of my best friends was gay. As a grown up I'd had several good friends and co-workers who were gay. Today my boss is gay and easily the best boss I've ever had in my career. I've struggled with being a Christian because of the typical response to homosexuality. Every one of the people I've known I'd consider to be a real person. How can God tell me to love everybody unless they fail to meet given criteria. I'd even gone as far as contemplating giving up on Christianity because hating somebody based on something they have no choice over is not something I am capable of. Hate in general is an infantile emotion as it is. How can anybody support it against anybody? To see how states vote down homosexual marriage time and time again breaks my heart.

That being said, thank you for the post Brant.

Posted By Jeremy | March 15, 2010 @ 5:01

Just realized, the word h-o-m-o as part of h-o-m-o-sexual is blocked by this blog. Saddening.

Posted By Jeremy | March 15, 2010 @ 6:56

Awesome Brant!!! I have friends and family members that are gay and love Jesus more than you can imagine. I am so glad that you had that experience. God doesn't make "junk".

Posted By Melanie | March 15, 2010 @ 7:01

I hit "send" before my comment was finished. I do not mean that gay people are "junk". Rather that they couldn't be, because God made each and everyone of us.
I do believe that many gays are born that way, I don't know a gay friend that would have chosen to be ridiculed, abused, and hated.

Posted By Melanie | March 15, 2010 @ 7:06

My lil Braddah Brant....all I could say as I sat here weeping then reading comments posted on this blog of yours.I admire you so, as you know, and how this was handled was incredibly God spirit filled with LOVE.Love as HE loves us.Totally and unconditionally without judgement. Just encouragement and love, even knowing that whateva our fellow friend in Christ is in, we pray ernestly and diligently with love and kindness we respect our braddah or sista. I so pray for him and for your 1st comment (RK) and for all folks struggling. We each as humans fall short so much..we cannot judge others.Just love as HE loves us.Respectfully admiring their heart for Jesus and encourage them in their walk.Pray always and love.Love.Fellowship.Love.Encourage.Love.Pray.Laugh.Love.Cry.Love.

Always In Chris,t friendship and love,
Kimi

Posted By Kimi | March 15, 2010 @ 7:08

This is always a touchy area to discuss, and that's frustrating because for some reason we Christians often put a hierarchy to sin. But, in reality, sin = sin. Why should one man's homosexuality somehow be worse than another man's adultery? Neither is worse, but society will claim that the first man is more in the wrong than the latter.

Yet here's the truth of the matter: "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Rom. 3:23). How, then, should we respond? The answer: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:34,35) That's it: love people. Who are we to think or assume that homosexuality is such an evil sin that Christ's sacrificial blood can't cover it?! No --- Christ's forgiveness covers our sins, including sexual sins.

RK --- You're not alone. I do understand how you feel. And when you wrote, "Watching couples interact, both gay and straight, brings tears to my eyes as I wonder, 'God, why can't I be like them instead of being alone?'", I felt like you pinpointed the pain that I've been feeling for a number of years now. It hurts, and it sucks, but I just keep asking God to take care of it ..... and, though it's difficult, I try my best to trust Him.

Posted By E-4 | March 15, 2010 @ 4:59

Brant,
Thank you for showing that it is very possible for us to have a "controversial" conversation with someone without turning to insults, name calling, bickering, or other childish behavior. After I graduated from college, I found a job working for a satellite tv company. I would take the "light rail" to and from work every day. One of my coworkers would always join me on the ride home. His name was tony and he was very openly gay. Our friendship grew, but I was always afraid to say anything about what I thought about his sexual preference. It wasn't until others in the office filed a complaint about the sexual topics he would bring up during work, that I finally got the courage to express to him about why other people found his comments so offensive. While the office is no place for sexual topics, he did understand the larger part of my concern about his homosexual activity. I didn't win an argument with him nor did he forever vow to be heterosexual for the rest of his life. But, we were able to openly talk about our differences and I was able to be honest with him. I think its time for us to stop worrying about hurting other people's feelings by avoiding all discussions and start honestly sharing our views in a way that doesn't put the other person down but helps them see why we believe what we believe. I think your discussion is a prime example of how we should do it. Thank you bro! -Colorado Chris

Posted By Chris | March 15, 2010 @ 4:58

Brant, I must say, you handled the situation with much love and much of the Holy Spirit. I agree with you wholeheartedly on everything that you presented, and the way you presented it.
To our sister in Christ R.K., my love and my heart go out to you, I will pray for you, and know that you don't struggle alone. Every single person who struggles with sin is your brother and sister in Christ.
To the individual who stated that sin is something we cannot define, or struggle to discern, I must say that the Bible is very clear about sin. The book of Second Timothy states that all scripture is breathed out by God, and both the new and old testament stated that homosexuality is sin. It is no different from Adultery, having sex outside of marriage, Idol Worship, getting drunk, using illegal drugs, blaspheming the name of the Lord, lying, murder, or stealing.
All sin is sin, and it cannot be condoned. As brethren in Christ, we must reach out to the broken, show them love, and teach them God's standard. For those who say that they are believers, remember that when you lay yourself under the name of Christ, when you choose to be called Christian, you choose to make him the Lord of your life, and to seek to live as He, and to uphold His standards above all things. We will fail, we will fall, and we will sin because we are human, but we must remember to get back up, repent of our sin, and strive to seek after the Lord because Christ died on the Cross so that we could be reconciled to God, not so that we could walk in sin and do as we please.
God is Love, and he does Love all, but he does not love sin. When one loses the fact that God hates sin, and that Judgment is as a result of sin, then they also lose hold of the reason Christ died to cover our sins. We cannot walk with God and actively walk in a sin lifestyle.
I love my brothers and sisters in Christ, no matter what they struggle with, but giving in to sin is not the way to overcome the struggle, and if one continually gives in to the same sin, they must begin to examine their life and line it up with Christ if they wish to follow after Him. I would suggest the book of First John to anyone who believes they are okay even though they are consciously, knowingly walking in sin.

Posted By Roger | March 15, 2010 @ 4:57

I heard you talking about this on the radio this morning for a bit, so I decided to check it out.
Interestingly enough, I was in a somewhat similar situation this week.

I was talking to a friend who was having some problems, family, friend issues, the norm.
He was really pouring his heart out and asked me what I though he should do. I expressed openly to him that it's in situations such as the one he was in that I find no other reguge but to turn to God. I shared with him how important I feel that faith and hope are, and that was how I deal with things like that.

He got quiet.
He's gay.

I told him that I wasn't trying to "shove God down his throat" at all, I was simply just telling him what I would do.
He wasn't offended by my comments, and actually said that he went to church as a kid, he had been in the presence of God, but he felt "out of place" in church.
I went on witnessing to him as he told me that people (christians) view him differently because they see being gay as a choice, and he knows it's not.

This is where I hit a brick wall...because I know what the Bible says about homosexuality, and I know that God made each of us in HIS image, therefore, I do NOT believe that being gay is an inborn quality---it is a choice.

So how do you continue to witnessing to this person without shutting the relationship down and leave him seeing me as "another one of those christians?"

Posted By Dustin | March 15, 2010 @ 4:56

I have so many friends who are gay and had suffered from hate from otherwise kind people. I am also,"broken" though not gay. God has been so kind to me. He has actually taken my wounds and self indulgent sins and not only fixed the situation but improved my life because of it. God has always used my weaknesses to show His strength.
I have been watching the Naked Archeologist on History International. (biblical archeologist) He is quick to point out what is considered holy in OT.. Today he spoke about the holy blue color on the holy tassels worn by the law abiders. The laws of kosher-ness are amazingly difficult. They cant even wear wool mixed from linen.
Wish I was perfect in love. Wish I had the will to admit my imperfections and change them. The best though, is God is perfect in love, never had an imperfection and can work with me even with my imperfections. Yea God!!

Posted By Lauretta | March 15, 2010 @ 11:09

Here we are ... broken. Thanks for sharing this story, Brant. When we realize we're all "broken" to some degree, the ground is leveled, walls are torn down, and we're able to sit at a bagle shop and talk. May God keep "breaking our hearts for what breaks his".

Posted By Coppelia | March 15, 2010 @ 1:19

Thanks for sharing this story. I pray also if I am wrong about this that God will show me. If I am accurate in what I believe then I pray for the words if and when I am called on to speak.

Posted By Vickey | March 15, 2010 @ 3:48

You handled that a whole lot better than I would have. I have to be honest and say that my words would probably have been a lot stronger than they should have been and I would have been more judgmental than I have the right to be. I honestly don't hate people because they are gay or lesbian, but I do tend to judge that sin more strongly than some other sins that might actually be worse, like the sins of pride and selfishness. I have worked with people who were homosexual and have gotten along with them and even liked them as individuals. It's hard to hate people that are friendly and likeable, but its easy to do so when you think of them as a group. The truth is, as you stated, that homosexuals are more than just homosexuals they are people with other aspects to their lives, just like any other type of sinner.

Posted By Maria Shaikh | March 15, 2010 @ 5:46

RK, I just want to tell you that it brought tears to my eyes reading your post. I want you to know that I will include you in my prayers as I'm sure a lot of the other readers also will. You are a precious child of God and He loves you. I pray that you will find true fulfillment and happiness one day, and that you will find friends that will truly love you despite your weakness. We all are broken as Brant wrote. My brokenness is not the same as yours but it is just as broken. But remember that whatever you are going through now it will not always be like this because God will one day heal all of His children, so just hang in there and know that you are not alone.

Posted By Maria Shaikh | March 15, 2010 @ 6:01

I am so thankful for this post! I have a dear friend, a Christian sister, who has struggled with homosexuality. Because of her faith, she hasn't done anything in the last several years about it, moreso because of other peoples' responses, not really because of personal conviction. She does have a teenage daughter and a 10 year old son at home (the son is my son's best friend). Though her children know, mine (10 and 12) have no idea. Since she hasn't acted on it, it hasn't been a problem for me. I've actually prayed that she just would never act on it, so we could just go on as is. We see each other almost daily, and she is one of my closest friends. We have talked about this, and I've shared what I believe is true from the scriptures - that I can imagine what a struggle this must be, that I love her and accept her, but I can't say that it is okay with God. We've had some strained times because of this, but we often avoid the subject, because she knows I won't bend on my thoughts. If she wasn't a Christian, I don't think it would be as hard, but she is ...and it is! She started some counseling (not faith-based) and though it has helped her in many ways dealing with various issues in her life from past hurts and mistakes, I knew what was coming, and it did...she has felt very lonely, and also has not felt fully accepted by me. She really feels it is time for her to pursue a partner, and she came to me, looking for my approval. God has taught me a lot about grace and His unconditional love this last year, so in response, I told her I loved her, no matter what she did, and that she should do what she felt she needed to do. I once again told her I couldn't turn against the scripture I knew to be Truth, to say that I would agree that I thought God desired this lifestyle for her, but that we would just go day to day and see what would happen, but that nothing would change how much her friendship meant to me. She felt somewhat relieved, yet felt confused...like, what is going to happen? How will I handle this with my kids that our Christian friend is a lesbian and that it isn't okay, but .... so here I am, just trying to live day to day, praying for God's will and for His words when He opens the door. It is one of the hardest things in a friendship that I have had to deal with so far, but for some reason I have known at least 7-8 homosexuals in my life, and I feel God prepared me for this friendship. I am somewhat nervous about the future, but I believe God will lead me as He desires, and I will love as He shows me. If and when this friend finds someone, I will need to allow God to show me what to do and how to do it. For now, I will love as He loves me, I will deal with my own sins, and pray for His Holy Spirit to burst in my friend's heart in His timing. I'm so sorry for the long note, but this is such a tender place in my heart right now, and she has meant so much to us, I just think it is too easy to judge when it is a distant topic about "those" people, but when it is someone you love, someone you believe has known the Lord's love and grace, it is heartbreaking and very difficult to know what to do! I will not go against my Jesus, but I will also allow Him to show me how to love as He did - whatever that may look like...Thank you for listening. If you have any advice, please feel free to email me and let me know! I would love any suggestions or prayers!

Posted By Michele | March 15, 2010 @ 6:55

I read through this post thinking how would I have handled this situation. Would I have had the words to have this same discussion with someone without coming across as pompus. But I realized that the discussion you had was made possible because you first submitted yourself to God and asked him to allow you to have this conversation. Brant I thank you for sharing this with all of us, it may not be a situation we are all faced with (at least not in this same way), but through this posting I am reminded (and I hope others are too) that the first thing we need to do before we open our mouths is to submit to the Lord's will that it will be His love that shines through us in our actions and our words. Thank you for setting that example!
ATFV

Posted By Ana | March 16, 2010 @ 6:04

Thanks for blogging about this conversation. While I believe that the bible states that homosexuality is a sin, I also agree that it is no worse than any of the numerous sins that I struggle with daily. Many Christians appear to be so focused on making sure that homosexuals know that Christians believe that they are sinners that they forget what we SHOULD be focused on - becoming the hands and feet of Jesus and showing others the powerful love that God has for them.

I also wanted to say how much I enjoy listening to your morning show on the Word FM as I drive to work. I appreciate your candidness, your lack of religiousity, and your openess about having Aspergers. Thank for starting my day off with some laughs!

Posted By Cathy | March 16, 2010 @ 2:46

Brant, thanks for being a faithful servant who can love everyone for what's inside, what God sees, and not what their brokenness has led them to become. I applaud you for being willing to approach a topic that the "church" would in most situations prefer to "hope it goes away; doesn't exist; or quote what Jesus said about homosexuality". Everyone can have compassion on a gambler, alcoholic, thief, you name it.....just don't have a sexual dis function. That's crossing the Pharisaical line. We can't love people like THAT. Maybe we should, maybe that unconditional love is just what they need to really see Jesus. Yea, that's what you did and I love you for that!

Posted By JR | March 16, 2010 @ 8:50

I'll keep it short, Brant. I appreciate your heart, your conviction, and your honest with God, honest with self walk. It was a tough conversation you had. Relying on the Spirit is all you can do in such cases.

I'm gonna pour it out here - probably the first time I've put the words down anywhere. I'm in my 30's. I'm a born-again, rabid Yeshua lover. Saved by grace and highly regarded my by savior. I've also struggled with sexual brokenness of the same-sex variety. From very early childhood, I was different and I knew it. Looking at my childhood pictures, I can still see it. Effeminate. I've hated myself most of my life. Raised as a Christian, my answer was prayer and faith. I have to tell you - it did not work. I spent my teen years so angry with God's "cruel little trick" that I completely dismissed Him. To be honest, I was also too ashamed to show Him my face. Our relationship was not working. I left. Only reasonable thing to do.

In my late 20's I gave in to it. Tired of hating myself for it. For a season, it went well. I belonged. I was desired. I indulged. I knew it was not right, but it was who I was. I knew I was broken, and I knew there was no fix. Simple.

Seven years later - God found me in a corner, battered and bruised up. At the end of myself. And I poured it out to Him. If you haven't lived it, you simply cannot understand how completely soul rending this brand of brokenness is. But, He can. He has loved me with an unending love. I came to realize that I was no worse than a womanizing hetero dude. And I always knew he loved and forgave them. Just not me. This is where the Christian church did NOT help. See, I believed I was unredeemable and unlovable because I was victim to a sin/compulsion that no one else likes. Many Christian Pharisees put my sin immediately in the damned to hell category. Had the church been populated by folks like Brant, my story would not have been so sad in the middle. When someone tells you they were born this way, please don't dismiss it and tell them what YOU believe they actually feel. Know why? You don't know. It's not unloving of God to allow people to bear this burden. Having lived in this skin, I know. It has made my mandate to crucify the flesh very, very tangible.

Fast forward. Pure joy. The Lord talks to me everyday, and I to Him. My attractions to other males have pretty much left. I am a living witness that God truly can mend the brokenness, no matter how intractable it seems. My relationships are Christian, healthy ones now. Yeshua is my best friend. I've accepted His perfect gift - I know His joy, and my joy is complete, as He promised. I am writing this as witness. If you're out there, gay, feeling unloved by God - Please know that He wants to talk to you about it. Take ALL of your brokenness to Him. Lay it at His feet. LISTEN to Him. And above all else, I advise against two things: 1. Don't PRETEND straight, and 2. Don't give in to lust - EVEN IF IT FEELS NATURAL (that goes straight folks, too!). Believe me, if He can do this work in me, He can (and will) do it for you! Remember His words to Paul: "My grace is sufficient for you." He can put a song in your heart that only you can sing. Let Him do that for you. And let the world hear it.

Brant, you are an extraordinarily OK dude.

I'm not kidding about pure joy, BTW. :-)

Posted By RKJ | March 22, 2010 @ 6:28

My sister sent me the link to this article and I have to say my heart feels torn into so many directions that I have read in these comments and in the story itself. I am a 22 year old Christian girl, born and raised in the church, but in 8th grade I knew there was something different about me. I knew I wanted to spend my life with a woman, but I couldn't tell anyone about it because I was a Christian. I didn't know anyone who was gay or watch and TV shows like "Queer Eye" but I was attracted to women. I dated guys because it was the "normal" thing to do, but I never found true happiness. I was still attracted to women while I dated guys and I just don't want to spend my life with a man or be in a relationship with a man. I don't believe I was born gay, because babies are precious, pure, and perfect. They don't know right from wrong. Looking back at my life I've always been a tom boy and I've never been a normal girl. My freshman year of college I met a girl and later found out she was a lesbian. I finally had someone I could open up to who wouldn't judge me. It's nearly impossible to find someone that is a Christian and gay. There is so much sin in the gay community--drugs, promiscuity, etc, but that is everywhere. I don't believe I was born gay, but I don't believe I woke up and decided to just be gay. I wouldn't choose a life of pain, heart ache, hardships, unacceptance, etc. When people say you can "turn straight" I compare it to them by saying, ok you wake up and be gay tomorrow. Not possible. I know over a long period of time you can change yourself if you want to be different, but I just don't understand why it is so wrong to love someone. I know the bible says it is wrong and that should be reason enough, but God says to love one another and yeah, as a lesbian I don't see a whole lot of that love inside of the church, or out on the street. We are looked down upon, told we are going to hell, but the last time I checked--being gay wasn't the unforgivable sin. I wish I could understand why it is so wrong to be a homosexual. I believe you can't help who you fall in love with...you can't help how you feel. Does that mean I should be destined to a life of physical loneliness? I am not attracted to men whatsoever, I can't even imagine myself with a man...ever. So in order not to sin I would have to be single for the rest of my life and be lonely. I can do that, but to be honest, that would make me miserable. I lived in silence for YEARS and didn't tell anyone about how I felt. I was living a lie...I tried to be straight. I didn't say anything because I was worried about what everyone else would think and how everyone else would feel so I made myself miserable. I know most of you are thinking that either I can change or that God would fill that void, but I just don't see that. I know that sounds awful to say as a person who believes in God, but I haven't really experienced God yet. Not the way a lot of people do or have. I am far from perfect and I know I have been a bad Christian over the years. I don't read my bible like I should, I don't pray as often as I should, but when I do, I pray for God to forgive me for my sins and I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing family, job, friends, and life. Being a homosexual is a hard path...kinda like being a Christian. We get persecuted, judged, and WE ALL SIN. Sin is sin, but I can't help but wonder why loving someone constitues as a sin. Of course all sin is equal in God's eyes, I just think so many "Christians" judge and disrespect homosexuals it totally turns them against God and religion. I have found it impossible to find another person with the same beliefs as myself, probably because they don't exist. RK seems to be like me when I was first acknowledging that I was gay. I honestly wish life wasn't so hard...not sure why I posted this, but I have been through a lot and I have caused my family so much pain over my homosexuality, I would have never "chosen" this for myself. I just don't see my life with a man and I don't want to be physically alone either...I'm torn. I'm broken.

Posted By WKR | March 26, 2010 @ 7:36

Brant; I am grateful that you were able to let the Holy Spirit speak through you with such love; acknowledging that sin is sin and indulging in any of them is to turn away from God - anything that comes between us and a loving relationship with God is wrong.
It will be interesting to see if any of my friends see this, as I have used my own (unique) name... but I will admit that I have had feelings towards the same gender on and off throughout my life. While in a married relationship, I have had 'crushes' on men. I do not choose these things to happen in my emotions. What I do choose, is not to indulge those feelings. When I was single, if it meant that I would remain single instead of indulging in a same-gendered relationship, then I would remain single, and love God. As a married woman, if it meant that I would remain feeling isolated in my marriage because things weren't going well, then I would remain isolated, rather than indindulging in an affair. It is not easy not to give in to temptations of the flesh when our eyes are on our flesh, which is the way the world teaches us to live. I have to peel my eyes off of me and my 'needs' and look to the true and only source of love and peace in order to have true joy. For the fruit of the spirit IS love, joy, peace...

With love,

Posted By Lamarr | April 15, 2010 @ 11:18

Brant,

I admire your open and loving response to Rob. But I think you are wrong to attribute homosexuality to our broken status. I do not believe we are broken, so much as we are not yet become what we are created to become. The fault is not in Adam or Eve but in ourselves. Christ did not pay our bill to an angry and petulent creditor; he provided us a perfect example of the communion with God thru the Spirit that each and all are called to embrace. Christ is not the destination but the path, God is the destination (Call no man father, not even the son knows the hour, and it is not for the son to say who will sit at the right or left hand). The Spirt existed before and after Jesus, it is the Spirit in the prophets which identified Christ, and it is the Spirit through which descernment was made possible after Christ left.

. The Old Testament declaration of homosexuality as sin ocured in a context where it was tied with prostitution to pagan religion. It was also tied to the myopic fixation on procreation in marriage, which cheapened marriage and was a hindrance to the intimacy and exchange for which marital relations sexual and emotional were specially designed as lessons in love unavailable in other relationships. Almost everthing about heterosexual or homosexual relations was unevolved at that time. Heterosexual exploitation and rape of males and females was commonplace. Promiscuity of any kind prevents us from recieving the lessons of love intended in sexual intimacy.

All relationships parent, spouse, child, friend, neighbor, and enemy were created with the specific intention of allowing us to see a different facet of love. I believe that homosexuality was part of that plan, and was not a mistake. It is like celibacy, a difficult calling which only those called can endure. By excluding loving monogomous homosexuals, the body of Christ has abandon those children of the light to the forces of darkness. I pity homosexuals, not because they are wrong, but because my culture has made their cup such a bitter one to swallow.

God knows and loves unconditionally, infinately and eternally. We learn togive, recieve, and grow in love and then we move on, we know not where. I believe that those who seek God, God finds. I am convince that homosexuality is an inclination of varying intensity along a continuum. There may be some who could be happier as heterosexuals, but that may be more of ian indictment of our culture's inability to remove logs from their eyes than a moral statement about homosexuality. I am fully convinced thatothers have no choice. This seems to me sufficinet proof that it is not sin. Sin as I understand it, requires choice; where there is no choice there can be no sin.

Because God does not make mistakes, I then ask if homosexuality might not exist to act as a mirror in which the heterosexual may see more clearly the specks which blind their relationships. I know that I have seen balanced homosexual couples who did better jobs at affirming the differing gifts of their partners and allowing their partners to draw out undeveloped gifts in them than in many heterosexual couples whose gender stereotypes often cripple their relations in the same way dyslexia cripples education when not recognized and accomodated.

I am hetrosexual and happily married for 25 years after dating for 7plus years. I know that a committed intimate relationship has taught me lessons of love which made me a better Christian, I do not doubt that committed homosexual relationships could have the same effect. While I would not force change on those who believe otherwise, as for me and my house we will follow God and welcome all his creations. I do not begrudge Rob his final answer. He knows in his heart who he is, and God would not be worth believing in if God thought Rob was a mistake. God does not make mistakes, God made Rob, Rob is not a mistake.

Peace of Christ be with you all, whether or not we agree.

Andrew W. Barbin

Posted By Andrew Barbin | April 16, 2010 @ 8:49

I think God does create us, intentionally, broken. Remember when the disciples asked Jesus if the blind man or his parents sinned that he was blind. Makes sense, right? Obviously a loving God wouldn't make a person blind unless he deserved it. Jesus answered that the man was born blind so that the glory of God would be revealed.

"God doesn't make junk." I believe this. Then how does one explain a child born w/ blindness or a random birth defect, not caused by anything except a genetic mutation? It's God's will. If it's not God's will, then He is not God, if He does not have the power to stop the genetic mutation.

Paul asked that the thorn would be taken from him and God said that His grace is sufficient. God's glory is revealed through our weaknesses. He deliberately puts weaknesses in us, I think for a variety of purposes. Two are: to reveal His glory and to bring us to Him.

If we were perfect, or at least "perfect enough," then why would we ever need God? We wouldn't. He has created us to need Him because if we didn't realize this, we would be missing out on the greatest thing ever... we would be missing out on the most exquisite joy ever.

I struggle with depression, and once I realized that it is God's will that I have depression, I started getting better. Do I still have depressive episodes? Absolutely. But I no longer feel hopeless because I know it's God's will, and there is some diamond that will come out of it. I realize that He can redeem everything if we give Him the chance and not close our hearts.

God is in control of everything, whether we understand it. Thankfully!

Posted By Trish | April 25, 2010 @ 5:43

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