Finally, a Cookbook for Freaks Like You

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I've had this idea: I want to write a cookbook. But not fancy stuff no one makes.

I want it to be of stuff I actually eat. Stuff I eat, and actually like. Stuff I eat, and when someone sees me eating it, they reconsider their relationship with me. That kinda stuff.

The following are my diet staples. I admit to idiosyncratic tendencies with regard to pretty much everything, including food. But I bet I'm not alone. Please add your own freak recipes for a compilation project. Just remember: It's got to be stuff you actually eat. (I've listed a few from listeners.)

And, I've included serving tips. Enjoy!

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Cold Broccoli Slaw Pita Sandwiches

Get some broccoli slaw. Get some pitas. Burn the pitas in the toaster. Put cold broccoli slaw into them. Enjoy!

Ice

Put water in tray-things. Place in freezer. Let freeze. Pull out, serve, and munch! Enjoy!

Toast

Burn 8-12 pieces in a toaster. Do not use butter. Enjoy!

Wheat Thins and Grape Magic

While eating a Wheat Thin, place a cold green grape in your mouth. Eat them together. It tastes EXACTLY like apple pie. No one knows why. It just does. It will freak you out. Don't question it. Just enjoy!

Croutons

Remove croutons from crouton box-thing. Perfect for family reunions, mornings on the way to work, after school, at the game -- enjoy!

Shredded-Chicken-in-a-Ziploc-Bag

When busy at desk, reach into lunchbox, pull out shredded chicken for sandwich-making, but don't make a sandwich! Too much work! Eat the bun first, then eat the chicken straight out of the bag! Don't use your fingers -- too messy! Just set bag of chicken on desk, and lower head to eat directly out of it, trough-style! Enjoy!

Two-Step, No-Cook Ramen

Open ramen package. You're too busy to cook it. Takes too long. So just eat the dry noodles, and then rip open "spice packet". Poor "spice" directly into mouth. Enjoy!

Matzoh-Meal

Open package of matzoh bread. For well-balanced lunch, eat entire contents, wash down with glass of lukewarm water. Enjoy!

Rice with Chocolate Bar (Serena)

Cook "just normal" rice. While it's cooking, put a chocolate bar in it. Enjoy!*

* -- My producer Nikki says this is gross...yet she then admits she likes Krackel Bars. Huh.

Spinach-n-Juice (Robert's wife, he says)

Eat spinach directly out of can. Then tip can back and drink the juice. Enjoy!

Three Musketeers Beverage (Robert, now saying a "friend" does this)

Boil some water with a Three Musketeers bar. Makes one (1) serving of hot cocoa! Enjoy!

Pet Cookie-Flavor Cookies (Phil)

Go to PetSmart. Purchase cookies for dog. Admire cookies. Eat them all yourself. Enjoy!

posted by Brant Hansen at 4:10 PM on March 21st, 2010

21 Comments | Email this to a friend |

Cook some rice, add a can of tuna, butter and salt. Then, add crumpled up potato chips- YUM-O!

Posted By Mary Shaw | March 22, 2010 @ 9:42

want to eat like an astronaut, but with flair? grab some taco bell hot sauce packets, open, pour into mouth while hanging sideways off your desk, and enjoy!

Posted By ben | March 22, 2010 @ 9:45

Peanut butter and bologna sandwich.
Spread one slice of bread with peanut butter. Slap a slice of Bologna on top of the peanut butter. Don't forget to remove the red wrapper from the meat. Top with another slice of bread. Enjoy.
My husband once told me "that is gross, I'm going to tell your mom what you're eating." My reply? "Who do you think taught me to eat it?"

Posted By Merlene Burry | March 22, 2010 @ 9:45

My husband swears by peanut butter and bacon sandwiches! Anytime we have leftover bacon, he makes himself a sandwich for lunch, served on toast. Can't say that I have tried it personally, but I do watch him eat them and try not to make gagging noises. And it does look much better than the peanut butter and green olive sandwich which he also likes (also served on toast).

Posted By Sandy | March 22, 2010 @ 10:10

potato chips and spinach leaves on any sandwich/burger...add a delicious crunch plus vitamins- take that lame-o lettuce and squishy tomato!

Posted By jeri | March 22, 2010 @ 12:18

My dad made up a combination when my sister was little, French Fries and Eggs! You cut potatoes into french fry cuts and fry them up. Put them in a hot skillet and let them heat up in there (don't want a lot of oil hanging around on them) then you pour eggs (beaten) right onto them and let them cook flipping when needed. You can also add cooked onions. YUMMY!!!!! Our family and many of our friends are not hooked!

Posted By Michelle | March 22, 2010 @ 2:26

Oops I meant family and friends are NOW hooked, LOL.

Posted By Michelle | March 22, 2010 @ 2:29

Peanut butter spread inside your celery. The negative carlories in the celery actually make up for any bad rap peanut butter might take.
Eat directly beside anyone you wish to annoy.
My children commonly choose me.

Posted By tess | March 22, 2010 @ 3:38

I like peanut butter and sweet pickle sandwiches, also Peanut butter and mayo (I practically lived off of these in middle and high school, I wonder why people thought I was weird.)

I also eat almost anything on pizza, I love coming up with different sauces to dip a slice of pizza in. (each of these are separate) Ketchup, most salad dressings, salsa, vinegar etc.

Posted By Jeff Robb | March 22, 2010 @ 7:29

I see someone likes peanut butter and bologna sandwiches. Years ago I actually tried this and thought it was a bit bland, so I put mustard on it, and I'm telling you, PB&M sandwiches are awesome. Seriously. One tip though -- put the peanut butter on one slice of bread and the mustard on the other. That way the bologna separates the two. If you don't do that, it's gross.

Posted By Bob F | March 23, 2010 @ 4:53

Peanut butter and mayo and lettuce sandwich, if you want to get extravagant add tomato and bacon

Posted By Jeff | March 23, 2010 @ 4:56

This one actually belongs to my cousin who used to eat it all the time when we were growing up. I don't know if she still does but it was gross to me. Peanut Butter and Mayo Sandwiches.

Posted By Tonya Beck | March 23, 2010 @ 5:05

Toast three slices of cinnamon rasin bread, apply peanut butter and grape jelly between both layers of toast and add a nice full layer of cheese curls in with the peanut butter & jelly. Sub in a layer of your favorite chips for one of the cheese curl layers if desired.
Then Devour!!!

Posted By Matt | March 23, 2010 @ 6:16

take allbran cereal, cottage cheese, bananna and raisins and mix it all together! ENJOY!

Posted By Darlene | March 23, 2010 @ 7:06

ok how about a ham and cheese sandwitch, add slicd picklels, and jalapenos, then add ranch

Posted By Ariann Hoeffner | March 23, 2010 @ 7:14

something i enjoyed as a kid and now my kids enjoy... peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with a slice of american cheese between the pb & j. Also can substitute the cheese for rainbow or chocolate sprinkles.....yum

Posted By jenn | March 23, 2010 @ 1:18

I'm supporting the peanutbutter/bologny sandwich recipe, (w/out mustard). Similar easy sandwich recipies are Peanutbutter/Ham, Peanutbutter/ AmericanCheese and of course Peanutbutter/Marshmellow Fluff. (All of these are even better on toast because the peanutbutter slighty melts and it smells good!)

Posted By Becky Burke | March 23, 2010 @ 7:52

Funny...I do the ice thing all the time! Now I don't feel quite as strange anymore.

Posted By Emily | March 23, 2010 @ 8:22

Get a bag of Cheetos and your favorite type of salsa.
Open bag and open salsa, dip cheetos in salsa. Enjoy!
Love, love, love this!!

Posted By Salina | March 27, 2010 @ 5:49

How to make a quick and easy weirdo snack:
1. Buy a package of Oreo cookies.
2. Buy a can of American cheese-flavored Easy Cheese.
3. Squeeze cheese on Oreos and enjoy, adding as much cheese as you can handle on each cookie (while occasionally just turning the can up and skipping the cookie part).
4. Get your friends to try it. It's strangely very yummy.
5. Do like my sister and put it on your "favorite foods" table at your wedding. Lol

Posted By Libby | March 28, 2010 @ 7:02

I like to take one piece of bread and put peanut butter on it, then take another piece of bread and put grape jelly on it. I put both of the pieces of bread together and eat it like that! I know it sounds SO disgusting but it's actually really good. I still don't have a name for my creation yet, but it probably won't catch on anyways...

Posted By Jordan Hester | March 29, 2010 @ 6:48

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